I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
