You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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