my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
