You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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