I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
