god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
