You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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