If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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