: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
