My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
