I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
