Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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