eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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