I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
