I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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