my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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