mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
