it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
