aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
