I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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