Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
