I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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