i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
