im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
