I will die if light touches me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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