I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
