overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
