For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's blow job season.
Boobs are out for the taking
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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