my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
