If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
