If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
