It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
