is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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