dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
