i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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