I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
