he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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