Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
