I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
