Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
