i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
