Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
