just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Two words: nipple clamps
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