if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
