i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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