im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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