Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
