Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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