I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
