I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
