Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
